Yesterday I made it! I got to wear the choir robe and sang at mass! You can’t believe it? I know…, Couldn’t myself, but I did. I have been regular for a while now, so yesterday I got to wear the robe.
The day I told my brother, the one we call the monk, that I joined the choir, he looked at me with
surprise disbelief. How could you? He asked. You can not cope, he further said. I can, I said silently, I could not bring myself to voice it out. I know his concern, taking care of Ziim is not like taking ice cream, though I had looked at CP as ice cream. But we need to have some sort of another life.
Towards the end of last year, I talked about letting go and its powers. It is partly in its fulfillment and also an effort not to be a passive church member that I joined the choir. I decided at the beginning of the year that I would join a society in the church. I thought of a number of societies, I did not want anyone that I will have to take Ziim along. No.. of course you know that I love my daughter and I am not in the least embarrassed about her, but I am trying for we both not to latch unto each at every moment. I decided on the evening mass choir. This will enable us go for our regular morning mass, have our Sunday together, then at 4.30p.m or there about I go for rehearsals and then sing at the evening mass at 6.30p.m. I wanted to sing at mass not because I have to attend that particular mass. Also, this is about the only time I could get somebody to mind her for me, any other time earlier, most people are more likely to either be at their different church services, attending one event or the other or at the hairdresser’s.
Rehearsals are on Thursdays at 6p.m, Saturdays at 5p.m and Sundays at 5p.m. I have been looking for someone to come in at these times to mind Ziim while mummy goes to sing, but I am yet to see so the decision had stayed just as a wish. Then my mum came visiting. Actually she was just passing by, but she had to stay for almost five weeks and I quickly cashed in on that. Like I said, I have been quite regular and may I add prompt, but after mass yesterday, I said that I was not sure I would keep up this regular attendance. Ha..sister Nonye why? I have a daughter to take care of and I do not have a help. My mum has been helping but she leaves tomorrow (today). That’s not a problem, you can come along with her, some members sometimes come with their children., she may even enjoy singing. I smiled and said nothing.
My dilemma; Should I tell them about Ziim’s condition and why I do not want to bring her to rehearsals? I am afraid they may begin to show me some unneeded sympathy. If I do not tell them, I will miss rehearsals and they may think I am not serious since I have the option of coming along with her. If I do not tell them about Ziim and they find out, they might think that I am hiding her condition which a number of parents do. Hm.. somebody help me out. I want to keep singing d/r/m/f/s/l/t/d’