So here I am, trying to write.
You must have noticed that I seem to have lost the ability to write or not have “writable” issues.
Not quite. I sit on the table, my laptop in front of me, hours later all I see is a blank screen!
It has been like this for quite a while now. A friend yesterday pointed out that I have not been writing like before. Truth is that I have been filled with the urge to write.
I like writing my blog, I like those days I write almost everyday, talk about Ziim, our daily journey, the children and CpCenter. I like it. It is cathartic!!
So what has been keeping me off writing?
May be if I talk about it I will feel better.
Recently I have not been feeling too wonderful with myself. I just have this feeling of “you should be doing better”. Juggling all that I am supposed to be seems to be a bit too much and I see myself not being that picture perfect of whatever cap I wear.
As mummy, I have this failure feeling; Nonye you should be doing better with Ziim. You do not stretch her enough. You do not do enough therapies for her. You should be awake all night ensuring that her sleeping position is not prone to cause some deformities. Big sigh.. I should be knocked on the head over this.
Other times I feel that her life is all therapy. Every position is done therapeutically. You just swoon her with therapies, any action you take with/on her is done with therapy in mind. Can’t you just let her be? Hm..
Yet some other times; what kind of mummy are you, at 7, well almost nearly, your child cannot recite the rosary or any Fatima prayer at that. She should be ready for first holy communion. Big Sigh Have no clue on how to tackle this challenge just like the A.B.C…challenge.
In the CpCenter. Same feeling. Though not all the time. But often enough to bother me. I have so much paper work that need to be done. What is it that is said about some people having the ability to be in two or more places at the same time? That is what I tell myself daily that I should be. Anybody out there with the formula? There should be Nonye #1, working with the children to see how much of them that can be recovered from CP. I feel we are not doing enough. So many aspects are not considered, yet the staff work so hard. Have I said that there is no break for the staff? Nonye #2 sitting in her office, writing those proposals that would make individuals and corporate bodies “see” the CpCenter and her activities and lend us some needed hand. You need that so soooo much now. With the increase in the number of children leading to increase in staff strength, staff salary is becoming arm, neck, hm.. breaking. Nonye #3 going out to make presentations to those corporate bodies because no one else can do it better than you. You are the vision carrier. You have the passion. Sighing and wiping off sweat from my brows. Can’t they just stop by and see first hand what we do, talk with us and make their conclusions instead of me having to
write design those flowery proposals.
There are so so many reasons why I have this “you should be doing better” feeling, like my not visiting my older friends and seeing if there is anything I could do for them even if it’s just being in their company for a few hours. But I think I am going to stop because already I am feeling better. You see, when you
talk write about these things you feel light headed almost immediately. And you begin to see the happy, great and almost miraculous moments.
One of the happy/great moments this week in the Center. A representative of a foundation visited. They will partner with us in our work. No flowery proposal? None. They have heard about us, decided to see first hand. According to her (the rep) what she saw is beyond what she heard so she thinks they will partner with CpCenter. We’ll fill out the forms, I think it’s Nonye #2 that should do that.
I like venting out. You won’t believe what it does. Miraculous things happen. Aunty Tee was at the meeting with the representative of the foundation. Later, I vented out my “not feeling too good” about the children not being exposed to any “academic” exercise, that is my challenge of A.B.C… She made a call, gave the number to me to follow up. That was Thursday.
Yesterday, the called came. Mrs. Eg. When she arrived, I was in the kitchen, getting Ziim’s lunch. By the time I came out, she was interacting with the children.
We talked for over three hours! She is not just a trained special education teacher, she is grounded in Montessori method of teaching with many years of experience. She is offering her services to the Center! Not full time, but it is somewhere to start.
Before she left, she told me that I am doing very well. Aunty Tee said the same, though differently and so did Rev. Sr.J., the rep from the foundation.
I was a bit apprehensive about writing this, but having written this post, albeit not wonderfully, I am beginning to feel that may be, just may I am not doing too badly, please add, all things considered. Thank you.
With this feeling of not doing too badly I usher in the month of June, my birth month, Ziim’s birth month. I can see all the goodness therein. I hope you’ll stay with us and please, I know once in a while that question will pop up in my mind,”Am I doing enough?Am I doing well? Well…