I did not realize how long I have been off my blog until I started receiving calls from friends wanting to know if we am fine. Then there was a face book posting from one of my brothers, the one we like to call the monk. He said he misses my blog. I realized that this medium is that through which a good number of friends and family keep tab on us. The most touching was a visit from someone who only met me through the blog, wanted to be sure that we are fine
We are fine I said, after we have gone through the introduction and pleasant surprise. We charted, went round and introduced the children. When my new friend left, I reflected on our discussion and wondered at my “dishonesty”. and wondered how one is able to
sometimes often present this dual personality. What do you say when asked the question; How are you?
When you say you are fine, are you really fine? I started reflecting on that and I see myself as wearing two skins– the woman I present to the world; “Oh yes I am fine, everything is fine, no shaking, like we say. I dey kampe”, and the other woman who is “tired, could do with some rest, even a
break/ holiday runaway from all these, but it’s okay I am dealing with it”.
It would appear that when you
say accept that you are not really fine, you have failed. In this clime often you may be regarded as an unbeliever, you are confessing negatively, you do not have faith. Thus you meet someone, very sick, in the hospital, you ask; how are you? H/She goes “I am strong” barely uttering the words. and it has caught on, we all go about being strong even when we can barely lift a finger.
My talk with my new friend jolted me, I was all smiles, fine and strength personified. Looking back, or rather looking inside of me, am I really fine? How many times have I said that I am fine when in truth I am far from fine.Me, Nonye, not fine? I feel so many people will be let down, so many people looking up to me for strength, not counting those in my imagination that are waiting for my “fineness” not to be. So I am fine.
But today I put on my other skin, knowing that out there you want to know how we are, how we have been, really how we are. In these past months most times when I said “I’m fine”, what I honestly wish I had said is, “I am tired, my back aches, a bit frustrated, fighting depression, sometimes holding back tears, other times letting them flow, I feel like running away, with my baby of course, I need help……”
I guess you are wondering why I have to say exactly how I feel or rather how I am. Yes, I have to, because I found out that if you do not say it, then nothing happens. For instance, if I do not say that I need help, then I do not get help. So it was that about three weeks ago Aunty Teena visited and as we talked, I accepted that really I was not fine, that I needed help, I need someone to help me do one or two things around the house, I am tired!!. And she went “you never said so all these while”. But you visit me, you see how I struggle to get things done with Ziim. “You never said you needed help, now you said it, I’ll see what I can do”. One week later, she sent me a help!
So when next you meet me and ask “how are you?” and you hear me say, “I feel a bit sore, my back aches”, do not be taken aback for you may just be masseur I need to soothe my aching back.
Now that you know how I am, I ask, how are you?